Peace as the source of joy

Posted on april 30, 2008


This started as a comment to Susannes post «My joy is in God», but obviously had more to do in my own blog, so I’ll continue writing here. Thanks for the inspiration, Susanne!

I find it easy to relate to the anger as a source of energy to make the world a better place. I also think she’s right that it often just leads to exhaustion.

I’ve heard many times that one cannot truely love someone else before one loves oneself. One cannot forgive someone else before one forgives oneself. I also think it’s impossible to create peace among others before one has peace within. And I think peace is the ground where joy can blossom.

I do have a slight problem with the idea that one can decide to be joyful. One can decide to be open to all the joy of living, but to feel joy, I think one needs peace first. Then the joy will come.

At least, that’s how I feel. God has given me His peace, as He promised. And that makes me joyful. I guess inner peace is extreamly important to me at this stage of my life. There are people trying to discourage me on my journey towards fulfilling myself. They want me to be quiet about my experiences because they do not represent all transsexuals’ experiences. I’m told to be average and normal. I’ve never been and never will be. No human being is normal. We are all unike visions of the multifaceted God. To call a human being normal is for me to dishonor God and His creation.

I feel humble and joyful because I’ve been given the peace that I needed so badly. I wanted to solve the big questions surrounding gender and sex before I could do anything about my own gender identity issues. I was depressed for many years, while my thoughts went round and round, over and over again in the same paths. Then I got a peace within, without warning or reason, quite suddenly. I have no other explanation for it than that it came from God.

The peace of God is something I want everyone to experience. It was like God told me to be calm and do what I needed to do, without worry that it might upset people. He promised to be with me all the way and that He do have a plan for my life, that He wants to use me to spread good news. God knew me before I knew myself, and knows me better than I do. I can rest in faith and trust Him to tell me what to do.

And I still can answer honestly «no» when asked if I hear voices in my head. Because God speaks through my mind and my body. I feel that of God within.

I still feel anger as a source of energy to change the world. For many years I got sad instead; my anger turned inwards. In my view, that’s more hurtful. It’s still a balance. I use my anger better than I used to. It feels like I see more clearly. Somehow, I don’t want to loose my anger. I think I still need it. But the peace i feel, controls it somehow, and turns it in the right direction.

Through all this, I’ve become more joyful. I’ve learned to appreciate all the good things in my life. I’ve seen people being suprisingly good to me. I’ve discovered that I have the resources to make a difference in other people’s lives. I want to use my life to show how thankful I am to God for all these gifts. I want to use them in the right way. I may not always succeed, but I will do my best. I trust in God to help me. That gives me peace even in hard times.

(I originally wanted to post something about where I come from spiritually, my history of faith, before I wrote anything else here. I guess that’ll have to wait.)

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